EASTENDERS TO EASTLANDS

Fully fledged Oasis fan,Roberto Mancini has been busy bigging the now de-funct band up. During an interview the Dapper Italian was quoted as saying "Don't Look Back In Anger. Oasis. Fantastico." Mancini used to play James Willmott-Brown in Eastenders before moving into Football management (left), and is rumoured to of offered Bill Treacher (Arthur Fowler) a Coaching job at Eastlands.

Liam Gallagher was quick to join in the love-in by coming in his pants and waxing lyrical about  Mancini's impeccable fashion sense and following up with a verbal attack on Strathclyde Police's finest. He said "The scarf is cool. I want one. Mancini is certainly cooler than that Taggart from across the road. He's a good manager but he looks like a dustbin man." It's not known if anyone told Gallagher that he could buy a scarf like Mancini's from any market stall in Manchester, and with this purchase he too could look like a Man City Director. 

The part time supporter and sometime singer (above right, when in The Flying Pickets) confirmed that he was not at Old Trafford to witness Rooney's late goal, explaining: "I wouldn't step foot in that place. I've never been and I don't want to go. It's not for me. Anyway, I don't think I'd get a good re-cep-schhhhtion." 

TOP 3 BEST RAP SONGS.......EVER.

TOLERANCE = ZERO

2 SHIT PENS AND COMMENTARY FROM VICTOR MELDREW

ARNOLD OUT ON BAIL

Troubled actor Gary Coleman has a fan to thank for his release from prison - a stranger posted the star's bail money.
The Diff'rent Strokes star was arrested and jailed on Sunday after police discovered a failure to appear warrant for Coleman and took him into custody.
Coleman was released from the Utah prison on Monday, after the $1,725 bail was handed over.

It has now emerged businessman Jarrod Clarke (seen here outside his Trailer) of Draper, Utah, paid the money after seeing the star's "sad" mugshot in the press.
And Clarke is such a fan of the former child star, he even offered to give him a ride home - but Coleman's dad picked him up instead, not in a car, but in the way someone would pick up a mouse. Clarke went on to say
 "If you see his mugshot, I mean,c'mon,c'mon,are you kidding me? what da fuck are you talkin' about Willis! What a sad face... To see that he was sitting in there - and he'd been there for 27 hours.... HOLY SHIT! And bail was only $1,700, I thought somebody probably ought to do something. Jesus Christ man!"
Coleman's wife, who is only 5' 6" but looks 8'2" in all their wedding photo's,reportedly rang Clarke to thank him for the kind gesture.
Coleman now lives as a Cowboy.

BRITAINS BEST EVER TENNIS STAR HAS CAR HALF INCHED

Andrew Castle has got his luxury car back

THE BEST ever Tennis player in Britain's entire history and GMTV Anchorman,Andrew Castle, has had his luxury car returned to him by police after it was stolen from outside his home.
The GMTV host said he held little hope of seeing his Jaguar XF again after it disappeared from his street in Balham, South London - but an eagle-eyed beat officer spotted it abandoned and undamaged in Norbiton, South-West London, two weeks later.
The heavily lacquered haired Castle, 46, said: "I was a bit shocked by the phone call from police as I never expected the car would be found - I was quickly told that it had been found and it had not been damaged at all, my day just got brighter." But not as bright as the orange skinned fellow presenters that he shares the GMTV couch with.

Castle who once famously went all the way to the 1st round at Wimbledon, has been a regular on the GMTV couch since replacing Mike Morris (right) and Richard Keys (below left).

The theft took place in the early hours of January 6 and the car was found in Waters Square, Norbiton, on January 21.
It's not known who the thieves are, but early reports suggest that a jealous Cliff Richard may have something to do with it. Richard,101, is said to be seething that Castle once tried to seduce Sue Barker when she was going out with the Peter Pan of Pop.

ARSE BANDIT HATES OLYMPICS

Anal Intruder, Rupert Everett, says if he had the power, he would '"cancel" the London Olympics in 2012.

Everett, 50, and gayer than the Volleyball scene in Top Gun, told the BBC he thought the event would turn into "a very expensive disaster" for the capital.

Everett is currently starring in the new St Trinian's film, The Legend Of Fritton's Gold, which is more than likely just as shit as every single St Trinian's film ever made.

"If I was King, I would cancel the Olympics tomorrow,"  said the Queen.

"I don't like the Olympics anyway," he added, "I don't think they're very sporting and I think London is already dysfunctional enough as it is." He said as he sipped on a Perfect Manhattan through a Gimp mask in a SOHO nightclub.