ARSE BANDIT HATES OLYMPICS

Anal Intruder, Rupert Everett, says if he had the power, he would '"cancel" the London Olympics in 2012.

Everett, 50, and gayer than the Volleyball scene in Top Gun, told the BBC he thought the event would turn into "a very expensive disaster" for the capital.

Everett is currently starring in the new St Trinian's film, The Legend Of Fritton's Gold, which is more than likely just as shit as every single St Trinian's film ever made.

"If I was King, I would cancel the Olympics tomorrow,"  said the Queen.

"I don't like the Olympics anyway," he added, "I don't think they're very sporting and I think London is already dysfunctional enough as it is." He said as he sipped on a Perfect Manhattan through a Gimp mask in a SOHO nightclub.

COPPERS LOVE SPUDS TWISTED AND SPLIT

SOMEHOW A WOMAN who twisted a police officer's love spuds after wiping a PISS-soaked dress on him has escaped a jail term.

Full on Bogan, Carol Suzanne Staltari was arrested by police after becoming aggressive while trying to remove her mother and brother from an Adelaide nursing home in contravention of an order by the Guardianship Board in May 2007.

Staltari, 58, refused to get into a police car, pissed like racehorse over her clothes and then rubbed her soaked dress into a Senior Constable's face.

When the same police officer tried to keep her pinned to the ground Staltari (right), grabbed his gonads and twisted them so hard with her vice like grip that they split like an old Size 5 Mitre football that had been left outside for the winter. Her Lawyers say she normally likes to chew instead of twist.

The Constable was in so much pain when he arrived at Hospital he needed a healthy shot of morphine to ease the agony, and after several hours of sewing by Doctors his nuts were saved. Two years later he is still walking like John Wayne after a week in the saddle and his legs are even further apart than Paris Hiltons.

FLAMIN GALAH CAUGHT GROUTING

AN AWARD winning actor has been charged with possessing cocaine after police raided the Christmas party of popular soap Home and Away.

Todd Lasance, who plays the troubled widower Aden Jefferies on the Seven show, was allegedly caught in the toilets of Kings Cross hot-spot Kit and Kaboodle on Saturday doing a bit of grouting.

The 24-year-old was arrested as part of Operation Unite, the blitz on drunken violence and anti-social behaviour in which 640 people were charged in New South Wales. Another example of Government Stormtroopers doing their bit in return for a healthy commission.

The teen heart-throb award winner is the latest cast member to fall from grace. He follows Donald Fisher who was caught smoking crack and Alf Stewart  (right) who was arrested for constant use of the word Flamin'..... (Flamin' mongrels, stone the Flamin' crows, Flamin' heck and Flamin' Galah').

Ex Home and Away stars include Heath Ledger, Naomi Watts, Danii Minogue and Michael Palin.

DEDICATIONS WHAT YOU NEED

A TOWER of poppadoms built in Southampton has been officially recognised as the tallest ever.Conservative parliamentary candidates Royston Smith and Jeremy Moulton with fuck all else to do with Tax Payers money, joined forces with Steve Fry and Rashmi Chande from Southampton and Fareham Chamber Of Commerce to take on the challenge at Poppadom Express in Oxford Street after a day on the sauce.They stacked 450 poppadoms, smashing the previous world record of 282 set by Jali Restaurant in Blackpool, last year. The record has now been ratified by the organisers of National Curry Week who ran the competition. Roy Castle and Norris McGuerter would of been proud. Vim Fuego, Colin Grigson, Spider Webb and Den Dennis of Heavy Rock outfit Bad News once had 4 poppadoms with 100 pints of lager.   

COWELL CRAPPING HIS HIGH WAISTED PANTS

Simon Cowell has branded a Facebook campaign to get rock band Rage Against The Machine to Christmas number 1 as "cynical" and "stupid".

The online group, now with over half a million members, begun by music fan Jon Morter and his wife Tracy, urges its supporters to buy Killing In The Name instead of the forthcoming single from the winners of this year's X Factor series.

Speaking to NME Morter said: "We've nothing personal against Cowell at all, we just do not want yet another Christmas chart-topper from that show again."

However, speaking at a press conference today Cowell, who is the bastard love child of Pete Waterman, retorted saying: "It's quite a cynical campaign geared at me which is actually going to spoil the party for these three X Factor finalists."

Cowell ,who wears his trousers up around his naval, and whose own record label Syco will release the X Factor winners yet to be confirmed Christmas single added: "I also think it's incredibly dismissive of the people who watch and enjoy the show where they treat our audience as if they're stupid and I don't like that". Without realising they are fucking stupid.

CLICK PLAY TO FIND OUT THAT THE PRESSURE'S LIKE NICE.

"I think the campaign is aimed directly at me, it's stupid. Me having a number 1 record at Christmas time is not going to change my life particularly". Though by mentioning that he is clearly crapping his extremely high waist band Chino Jeans.

"It does, however, change these guys' lives. We put this opportunity there so the winner of the X Factor gets the chance of having a big hit record."

Oh well, perhaps if they toured the country in a Ford Transit Van playing pubs and clubs, wrote their own material, carried their own equipment that they actually could play, lived off of Pot Noodles and got paid £20 a show for the pleasure, then they might deserve a break and a shot at the big time instead of the instant success and millionaire status that comes with winning X Factor.

A good example of doing what you can to get by is platform shoe wearing Brummie, Noddy Holder of Slade, who did have a Christmas Number 1, but was once so skint in the early days of Slade, that he got paid to Curl out a Christmas Number 2 Black Forest Gateau on a glass coffee table by a perverted German who was laying underneath watching and stroking his Lederhosen at the same time.

These X Factor kids have got it easy, and what they Curl out is a whole lot worse than Noddy ever did.

SHIT PRESENTERS AND SHIT NICKNAMES

A COUPLE OF REASONS WHY AUSTRALIAN SPORTS PRESENTERS ARE SHIT.....
AFTER MANCHESTER UNITED LOST 1 NIL TO ASTON VILLA, CHANNEL 9 PRESENTER TROY GRAY SAID IT WAS A GREAT WIN FOR THE 'VIL-AY-ANS'.
MAYBE HE THOUGHT THEY WERE A TRIBE FROM THE PACIFIC ISLANDS..?
I'M SURE THE PRONUNCIATION HE WAS LOOKING FOR WAS 'VILLAINS'.

TROY THEN WENT ON TO SAY THAT THE WONDER GOAL SCORED BY WIGANS MAYNOR FIGUEROA AGAINST STOKE IN THE 2-2 DRAW TURNED OUT TO BE POINTLESS AS WIGAN WENT ON TO LOSE THE GAME. EVEN THOUGH THEY DREW 2 ALL. GOD HELP US.

MAYBE I'M BEING A BIT HARSH ON TROY? BUT THEN AGAIN HE IS CALLED TROY, SO MAYBE NOT. I SUPPOSE I SHOULD GET USED TO THE FACT THAT THIS IS NOT A FOOTBALL NATION. AFTER ALL, THE NATIONAL SIDE ARE REFERRED TO AS SOCCEROOS, THE GAYEST NICKNAME FOR A NATIONAL FOOTBALL SIDE EVER.
I GUESS NOBODY EVER THOUGHT OF CALLING THEM AUSTRALIA?
WHILST WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT OF RIDICULOUS NICKNAMES FOR NATIONAL TEAMS, HERE IS THE COMPLETE LIST FOR ALL THINGS AUSSIE ......
EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE NOT ON THE LIST BELOW , A SPECIAL MENTION MUST GO TO THE NEW ZEALANDERS FOR NAMING THEIR BASKETBALL SIDE 'THE TALL BLACKS!"

sport	team	nickname
Rugby union	test side	the Wallabies
Rugby league	test side	the Kangaroos
Wheelchair rugby	Paralympic	the Wheelabies
Football (soccer)	Men's	the Socceroos
	Women's	the Matildas
	Olympic	the Olyroos
	Youth	the Joeys
Basketball	Men's	the Boomers
	Women's	the Opals
Wheelchair basketball	Men's	the Rollers
	Women's	the Gliders
Field hockey	Men's	the Kookaburras
	Women's	the Hockeyroos

WHEN NATURE CALLS

MAD AS A BOTTLE OF CHIPS GOALKEEPER, Jens Lehmann, has been told he was lucky to escape punishment after appearing to 'break the seal' behind his goal during Wednesday's 3–1 win over a team from Romania beginning with 'U'. The goalkeeper, who goes off his head at referees and now plays for Stuttgart, jumped over the advertising hoardings and looked as if he was relieving himself before being rudely interrupted by a Romanian counter-attack.

He is not the first sportsman or woman to attend to a call of nature during an event. Paula Radcliffe famously curled out a steaming turd during the London Marathon (right), putting commentator Brendan Foster off his Walnut Whip, and Steve Cram refusing to interview her, due to his sensitive nose.
Radcliffe went on to win the race with shit running down the back of her knee.

Yoo Ess of A player Da Marcus Beasley once had a Pat Cash next to the bench when waiting to come on against Mexico in World Cup 2002, Causing his Manager and professional Twat Bruce Arena to 'go off his frickin head', throw at least one cup of Gatorade and threaten to 'shove a cigar so far up Beasley's ass he'd have to light his nose to smoke it' (left).

MAD FOOTBALLERS, DODGY MIDDLE NAMES

FOOTBALL. It's a funny old game. Full of ego's, too much money, flash cars, agents, Page 3 models, thick as pig shit players. E.g: Anton Julian Ferdinand, brother of Rio Gavin and now playing at Sunderland, guaranteed to trot out of the tunnel doing his shorts up with a bottle of Lucozade in his mouth like a babies dummy. Check it out, it's true, he always does it. The wanker. But I'm not going to bang on about him. We all know he's a twat.
During the last few days in the world of English Football there has been a couple of dressing room bust ups that have made the papers. These will be happening all the time in Football, but we don't always hear about them. They will be locked in the inner sanctum of whichever club they happen at. Thankfully every now and then we do hear about them. Earlier this year Aston Villa Manager, Martin Hugh Michael O'Neill, and his player Nigel Shola Andre Reo Coker had a fight on the training pitch that resulted in a fine and suspension from the club for the player. Last weekend Stoke City pair, Manager Tony Pulis and striker James Beattie, had a punch up after a game at Arsenal because Pulis ordered the team in for extra training having already given the players time off to galavant around London, feat Stringfellows no doubt. Beattie took exception to this as it wasn't fair, and Marquess of Queensbury rules were applied. Then on Monday night after a defeat at Watford, QPR Manager Jim Magilton, who I once saw getting off with a tart at the bar at New York New York's in Southampton, headbutted one of his players in true Yosser Hughes fashion, and has since been suspended by QPR. So I thought I'd check out the archives and relive some incidents when players took on team-mates and managers took on their own players....
The first one to remember is Lawrie Barbican It's Great Man McMenemy v Mark Wright. These two had a tussle after a match at The Dell when Southampton played poorly and in particular, defender Mark Wright. McMenemy vented his anger at the skinny centre half and ended up fully clothed in the team bath after a full on slap fest from Wright. Thankfully Big Lawrie was wearing an inflatable trench coat at
the time which saved him from drowning.

On fire Welsh Number 9 Big John Hartson and Two foot Two Israeli Midfielder Eyal Berkovic. After a tussle on the West Ham training ground, Berkovic punched the Big man on the leg and Hartson promptly turned around and booted Berkovic in the head, knocking the Israeli's skull cap clean off and muttered the words Mazel Tov to the crestfallen midfielder. Neil Ruddock was on hand just in case.
Graham Pierre Le Saux and David Batty had a punch up with one another whilst playing for Blackburn Rovers away to Spartak Moscow. Le Saux who was thought to be a gay because he is an intelligent bloke who reads The Guardian, and Batty, the furrow browed Yorkshireman had to be separated by team-mates after several punches were thrown because of sloppy play.
Steve Macca McManaman and Bruce Grobbelaar came to blows when Grobbelaar grabbed McManaman by the throat for some shit defending in the Merseyside derby. McManaman retaliated with aplomb and it made for great viewing. Both players had shit hair do's at the time with Grobbelaar sporting a Slap and Rat's tail, and McManaman sporting exactly the same hair do as he does today.
Sir Alexander Chapman Ferguson kicked a football boot across the Old Trafford dressing room which hit David Robert Joseph Beckham, virtually signalling the end of Beckhams stay at United. It wasn't helped by the fact that Beckham, slicked his hair back so all the World could see the plaster above his eye, and walked with his head permanantly tilted to one side until the stitches came out.
Then there was the incident between ex Chimney Sweep Lee Bowyer and forever on the treatment table Kieron Courtney Dyer. Whilst playing for Newcastle against Aston Villa, the pair started fighting after a wayward pass, shirts were ripped, Villa players stepped in to quell things down and both were sent off. It's just a shame the Ref didn't let these pair of Herberts fight until the death, or at least until Kieron Courtney go injured.

Last but not least, even though there's loads of other cases, I bring you Mr Stanley Victor Collymore. The perverted dogging centre forward who during France 98 beat the shit out of saggy breasted Swedish weather girl and Mother of four kids by four different Fathers hence the nickname 4 x 4 Ulrika Jonssen, had a run in whilst at Leicester City with the best player ever to wear a Leicester City shirt, Trevor Junior Benjamin. I can't be sure what the fight was over, maybe the fact that Benjamin was crap? But apparently Collymore, who is as mad as a clowns cock, went off like a packet of prawns in the sun and didn't play many more times for Leicester again. Manager at the time and part time Norman Wisdom impersonator, Peter Taylor, went mental with the cheque book when he signed Benjamin for a whopping £1.3 million. Which doesn't sound much today, but when I reveal that when Benjamin finished his career, he had played for 24 different clubs, £1.3 million is an absolute fucking shit load for a journeyman striker who couldn't score in a brothel.
Peter Taylor is now a full time Norman Wisdom impersonator.

LACK OF KIP

I was rudely awakened from my slumber this morning. Not by the dustmen, or the builders next door, but by Paul Weller calling from the middle of a gig, singing Strange Town down the line to me. A particular favourite, it has to be said. Especially the 'break it up, break it up!' part of the song. Not content with this, the old bastard rang again 30 minutes later to sing Start! Once again a particular favourite. This is not the first time it has happened, and I fear, probably not the last. It happened once before, a few years ago. There I was asleep in the Town Ace at a small place in the middle of the Desert called Uluru, AKA Pam Ayres Rock. The phone rang, which done my head in to begin with, and there was the Modfather on the other end singing about 'supping up his beer, collecting his fags and some sort of row down near Slough'. This is normally an entertaining way to start the day, and I know who the culprits are with phones in the air capturing the gig in all it's glory..... And I will retaliate. One day when they least expect it they will have John Farnham on line one singing 'Your the Voice try and understand it'.
Actually, come to think of it, Mick Jagger once called from Twickenham. Back in the days of Avon. If I recall correctly, my old comrade of many many years phone rang, and after a short while he passed it to me with the words "Huggy, Jagger wants a word!"
It has been two days on the trot I've been rudely awakened. Yesterday I got awoken by the fire alarms
going off at 5:45 AM, even before the Kookaburra's get up. These were set off by some divvy who'd
burned the toast. Thankfully the curtains were still intact, but my sleep was destroyed.

I struggle to go back to sleep on occasions like these, and with this in mind, I turn on the TV to watch annoying presenters and Weather people telling more stories about Tiger Woods and his various mistresses. Latest count eleven. And not one of them as good looking as his wife, but thats up to him. This mornings 'hot off the press' story regarding the wayward golfer was all about his Mother in law, who had flown in from Stockholm to give him a piece of her Swedish mind. Only to collapse after eating out and being taken by Ambulance to Hospital (right). And there I was, within minutes of this happening, watching it all unfurl from far,far away. Surely in a normal world, Tiger Woods Mother-in-law choking on a prawn would not be Newsworthy. But this is Australia, a country obsessed with America, and American TV where anything 'Celebrity' is considered Newsworthy. For years they've had to put up with the bow legged heiress Paris Hilton, who couldn't stop a pig in a passageway, polluting the lives of citizens with trivial shit. Recently the old slapper Britney Spears picked the winnets out of her arse, and it made the News. I couldn't tell you what was happening in Iraq or Afghanistan, and I wouldn't even know if we are at War at all. But I do know that Brad Pitt is copping it bad from Angelina because of her 'heavy' periods. Because of these sort of stories I used to avoid GMTV and all it's fake tanned presenters, like the plague. But at least I had the choice of changing channel to get my fill of proper News via the Beeb. But I can't here!
And so, the Tiger's Mother-in-law choking story has made world news, well Australian News anyway. Being as though it's America we're talking about, the Fuzz over there had already released the 911 call that was made and within an hour it was out there for all to hear, and giving annoying TV presenters something to talk about.  And by the sounds of things, as I realise I've just written a bloody essay on the matter, me as well. Fuck!
Tonight my phone will be off as I sleep. I just hope that Zane, Kane, or Dwayne don't go burning any toast.
If I do manage to sleep in, then all will not be lost. I will be able to catch up on all things Hollywood when I tune in to the Evening News.

HE'S NOT FINISHED, HE'S ONLY 28

Z LISTERS TURN OUT IN FORCE

Z LIST MUSICIANS, Z List actors, and other Z List celebrities have paid tribute in London to camp as a row of tents Boyzone star Stephen Gately, whose death  at the age of 33 shocked the pop world.

As crowds of fans gathered in pouring rain outside a theatre in London's West End, stars filed inside for the private concert, including fellow Boyzone members Ronan Keating, Moikey Graham, Keet Duffy and Shane Lynch (no relation to Kenny).
Massive mouthed stunner and someone who normally always shuns the limelight, Cherie Blair (left), attended the event grinning from ear to ear, along with Pop heavyweights B'Witched who had to "foight like their Father" to get through the media scrum.
Duncan James and Lee Ryan from top band Blue were also in attendance. It is believed that Blue play all the instruments in their songs by themselves, and write all the words too. Former Olympic champion ice skaters Christopher Dean and Jayne Torvill skated into the theatre whilst performing the 'helicopter' move and pirouette-ing to their seat, and Chesney Hawkes (below) told reporters he was still "In a daze" after his friends death. Hawkes who has had more hits than anyone in the history of Pop Music, including Bob Geldof, and was once arrested for his contribution to music said that Gately was " The one and only".

"I am just still walking around in a daze really - such a shock, so young, so vibrant, such a lovely guy. It's just so sad," Hawkes went on to say. Before slipping off to write a new song called "So".
The Boyzone members, who did not speak to waiting media, were due to perform a musical tribute to Gately.
 Sir Ian McKellen, who drove as quickly as he could down the Hershey Highway to get there, was due to read poetry, and disgusting spunk gargling Leprichaun and "friend of Dorothy" Graham Norton was expected to give a short speech full of innuendo, just for a change.

WORLD CUP 2010

Group A	Group B	Group C	Group D
South Africa	Argentina	ENGLAND	Germany
Mexico	Nigeria	United States	Australia
Uruguay	South Korea	Algeria	Serbia
France	Greece	Slovenia	Ghana
Group E	Group F	Group G	Group H
Netherlands	Italy	Brazil	Spain
Denmark	Paraguay	North Korea	Switzerland
Japan	New Zealand	Ivory Coast	Honduras
Cameroon	Slovakia	Portugal	Chile

MILLIONS of Football Fans around the World were glued to their TV sets last night, with quill, ink, and parchment at the ready. Eagerly awaiting the draw for next years World Cup Finals in South Africa. Waiting to find out who their team will be playing, and where and when will their team be playing. From Basel to Boyatt Wood, and Santiago to Shirley, fans were tuned in with baited breath.
Luckily for viewers, Charlize Theron was on hand to help make the draw, and a very welcome distraction she was too. Much nicer than Sepp Blatter.

England Coach Fabio Capello, England players and England fans (England fan left), should be happy with the outcome. Seeded England have been drawn in Group C, along with The Yoo Ess of A, Alangeria and Slo-Slo-quick-quick-Slo-venia. And although progression won't be easy, and shouldn't be taken for granted, England should make it into the next stage. The Yoo Ess of A will definitely not be easy, they will be fit and strong and having just had a successful Confederations Cup, where they beat the Spanish in South Africa, they will be up for it. Their fans (above right) will be whooping and hollering come match day. They have a massive quota of 1 song to sing during games "YOO ESS A!, YOO ESS A!, YOO ESS A!", you will hear them chant. Occasionally you will hear them "Question the referee's parentage", and more often than not you will hear "C'MONNNNNN, YOU FRICKIN' ASSHOLE". It's thought that up to 50,000 England fans will be in South Africa, and some of them will be Neanderthals who have never been away from England before.  Some of them you would normally find in Ibiza, or Aiya Napa for their summer holiday. But next year it will be South Africa for these fools. It will be interesting to see the contrast between Terry and his mates from Romford, walking like Richard Ashcroft in the Bitter Sweet Symphony video, 'acting' hard and mouthing off at any given opportunity, and Chip and Chuck from Yale University 'acting' pissed with their fraternity jumpers tied around their shoulders, like Mick Talbot in the Long Hot Summer video. 
Having seen Slovenia play in the 2002 World Cup, their fans will be happy to be at another tournament. They will enjoy getting on the drink as all Central Europeans do. You will see them absolutely hammered and struggling to walk, possibly donning vomit stains on their shirts, yet still searching for grog.
As for the Algerians, watch your pockets. 

TOOTHPICK RONNIE THROWN IN THE SLAMMER

Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood (right) was arrested last night on suspicion of assault after a domestic incident in a Surrey village.

A Police spokesman said: "We can confirm that a 62-year-old undernourished man from Esher was arrested last night, on suspicion of assault in connection with a domestic incident in Claygate high street (of all places)
Wood, who hasn't eaten food in 3 years and lives on a strict diet of Virginia tobacco and Vodka, was released from the cells after a cooling down period and will appear before Magistrates in January.

It understood the incident involved Wood's on-off girlfriend, Ekaterina Ivanova, 20, after she jibed him that she'd "seen more meat on a Sparrow's kneecap".

It's not uncommon for members of The Rolling Stones to go out with young bits of skirt. In the 80's, bass player Bill Wyman married nubile Mandy Smith, 16, after a 2 year romance.
After leaving Wyman, Smith went on to marry ex Everton and Spurs full back, Pat Van Den Hauwe.
Wyman went on to make metal detectors (left)

AAAAAH PIGSY

ANCELOTTI LIKES ELTON

Carlo Ancelotti, the Chelsea manager, raised an eyebrow (right) this week after learning that his side have been drawn to play Watford in the F.A. Cup.

Apparently, Ancelotti is a big fan of the Uphill Gardening lover of spunk, Sir Elton John. (left)

John, who once married a woman and was bald, but is now a gay with a full head of hair, used to be the Chairman of Watford and could often be found in the Directors 'Box' at matches wearing a straw hat and star shaped glasses.

“I do not know Watford very well at the moment but I will have the opportunity to learn about them,” said Ancelotti.

“The owner of Watford many years ago was Elton John. Elton John is my favourite singer", he said, hoping to meet the Crocodile Rocking pillow biter in the Vicarage Road tunnel.

CHISEL TO REFORM?

Not to miss out on the current trend of bands reforming, Veteran Australian Rock Legends, Cold Chisel, are on the brink of recording new material.
After a successful warm up gig at The Flying Horses in Port Augusta last weekend, for the upcoming V8 Supercars Gig in Sydney, lead singer Jimmy Barnes 102, left, (a Scotsman) was thrilled to be back on stage with the rest of the Chisel gang And though he wouldn't say for sure that they will reunite, he didn't rule it out either by saying "don't rule it out".
Chisel fans all around Australia, and Boyatt Wood, are said to be delighted.
(Angry Anderson and Rose Tattoo are also considering a comeback tour).

AMERICAN FUZZ

THICK as fuck, donut eating, lard arse, gun toting, Florida Cops have just released a statement saying that the crash involving Tiger Woods and a fire hydrant on Tigers very own drive, in his very own car, which he was driving at the time all on his own, with nobody else around, was his fault after all.


The highly intelligent Cops took just 5 days to come to this decision. (see earlier report on the crash)
Many people are led to believe that Cops in the Yoo Ess Of A, are a bit thick. But solving this crime within a week has proved otherwise. The fuzz in America recently came under scrutiny for believing that a 6 year old boy was attached to a balloon that was flying up, up and away and far, far away.
But they cracked that case too, also within a week, when they discovered the boy hiding in a loft.

PETE DOHERTY = EIN DEADSET TWAT

Scanky, smelly, flea ridden, zit infested, junkie soap dodger, Pete Doherty (above) Got away lightly after pissing off a raum voll der Deutscher (room full of Germans) recently.

The trilby wearing dung beetle was dragged off stage at a festival in Germany (Deutschland) at the weekend, after he began singing the controversial first stanza of Das Deutschlandlied, also known as The Song of Germany. The opening verse, beginning with the words "Deutschland über alles", is often considered a Nazi anthem. And went down like Bobby Crush auf einer alplattform (Bobby Crush on an oil rig) With the locals  (right).

The Babyshambles frontman and peoples poet was performing at Munich's on3 festival. Doherty was not originally scheduled to perform, according to Der Spiegel (The Mirror), but although "clearly drunk" (offenbar getrunken) was able to talk his way on stage. "With a quiet voice, he sang 'Deutschland, Deutschland über alles' (Germany over all) four times," according to Rudi Kuffner das festival spokesman.

Festival goers Grit and Stefan, of Bonn, claimed Doherty had been drinking 'far too much wine'. Grit said he wasn't singing but 'wailing like a baby' and was an absolute disgrace (ein absolute Schande).

U2 TO PLAY GLASTONBURY, SO THEY ARE.

Four foot two Irish Minstrel Bono (left) has said of U2  "we are delighted and humbled, so we are" to be headlining at next year's Glastonbury Festival over its 40th anniversary weekend.

The band will lead the line-up at the Somerset show on Friday 25 June. Providing Pope Bono has managed to save the World by then.

"To be sure, everyone in the band is very excited about it." Bono told the BBC at the launch of an anti-Aids/HIV campaign.

It will be U2's first festival gig for more than 25 years and will see them make a flying visit to the UK in the middle of a North American tour. Much like Phil Collins did for Band Aid.

Asked if he would use the festival to promote the campaign, Bono told yer man, "I tink it will just be about the music on that day, and that spirit that seems to take over everybody in that sacred ground."

Beany hat wearing lead guitarist The Edge (right) is also in the mood for Glastonbury, saying; " yer know, it's just great so it is. It's been far too long between festivals for us and I want plenty of it from now".