LIBRARY SMELLS OF PISS

A traditional red phone box has been recycled into one of the UK's smallest lending libraries - stocking 100 books.

Villagers from Westbury-sub-Mendip in Somerset can use the library around the clock, selecting books, DVDs and CDs.

Users simply stock it with a book they have read, swapping it for one they have not. Or have a good slash in it on the way home from the boozer (like Welsh crooner Tom Jones, left, after pissing like a racehorse in it)

"It's really taken off. The books are constantly changing, If only we could get rid of the smell." said parish councillor Bob Dolby, not realising it's also used by locals gagging for a piss as they weave their way back from the Westbury Inn.

He added: "It is completely full at the moment with books (and piss). Anyone is free to come and take a book (or have a piss) and leave one that you have already read (or pissed over)".

"This facility has turned a piece of street furniture into a community service in constant use."

TOXIC SHITE

SHIT as you like, Lip synching, Red-neck marrying, overrated tart, Britney Spears (right with ex husband K-Fed), has finished her Australian leg of the 'Circus Tour', and say's she won't be back.
The publicity seeking whore mimed her way through her final show in Adelaide last night and after the bad press she has received here it's no surprise she has had enough.
Perhaps, and call me old fashioned, if she learnt to sing instead of fobbing off her gullable fans by miming, and by all acounts, miming so badly it was a bit like Roger De Courcy and Nooky Bear after a skin full, she might of got better press.
The appropriately named 'Circus Tour' also showed up the fact that she can't dance. Rumour has it that Daniel Day Lewis was a better mover in 'My Left Foot'. She tried to disguise the fact that she was shit by the huge production of the show, which featured clowns and, if this is possible, legless trampolinists. As well as more costume changes than songs.
Fans are said to be 'livid' and feeling 'ripped off'.
Quelle suprise.

POMPEY BOSS IS LIKE YODA

David 'Calamity' James  (right) has been bigging up new Portsmouth boss Avram Grant, by comparing the dull as dishwater boss to Star Wars character Yoda. (above telling his team to play 3 up front)
The flappy keeper said that Grant spoke alot of sense. "His pearls of wisdom are far reaching, he's very profound and that appeals to me". Before adding "I'm sure he can get us out of trouble, he's just what he club needs right now".
James' nice words about his new Sage like boss came only a few days after he had said about previous boss Paul Hart "He'll get us out of trouble and all the lads are 110% behind him".
Wormwood Scrubs bound Portsmouth director Peter Storrie, who let the most skint Arab in all of Arabia  buy the club, has claimed that their transfer embargo will be lifted in January, giving Grant funds to spend on new players, even though Portsmouth are currently languishing at the bottom of the Premiership without 2 pennies to rub together.

WOODS CLUBBED BY BIRDY

Thick as fuck cops are yet to interview Tiger Woods (above) over a bizarre car crash just outside his Florida terraced house that left the world's greatest golfer unconscious and sparked claims it was caused by a domestic spat over allegations he was having an affair.

Somehow, Woods, who's real name is Eldrick, managed to crash his SUV into a fire hydrant whilst reversing at the blistering pace of at least 15 MPH.

The golfing great's fit as you like wife, Erin Nordegren (right), said she rescued her husband from the wreckage using a golf club to smash the car window, but other reports emerging out of the US claimed she had used the club on her husband during their late-night row. It's not known which club she used, although neighbours speaking outside the couples tiny 34 up 34 down des res say it looked like a 'sand iron'.

The fight that apparently led to the crash was reportedly sparked by tabloid reports that Woods cheated on his wife by playing a quick round with a nightclub hostess in Melbourne during the recent Australian Masters. A tournament which Woods won, causing Channel 9 host Eddie McGuire to have a hard-on of epic proportions for the rest of the week and a story to dine out on for years to come.

GAS LEAK

A massive pig with flatulence like Vanessa Feltz after Christmas Dinner, triggered a minor emergency near Bendigo (Victoria) this week when smells wafting from the 120kg porker sparked fears of a potentially dangerous gas leak.

Two Country Fire Authority tankers and 15 firefighters turned out in darkness to search the source of the leak at a property at Axedale, east of Bendigo. But the likely culprit was soon sniffed out, the pet sow startled from slumber in the dead of night.

"She got very excited when two trucks and 15 firies turned up and she squealed and farted and squealed and farted," said fire chief Peter Harkins, pissing himself and holding his nose at the same time.

"I haven't heard too many pigs fart but I would describe these ones as full-on."

Mr Harkins, who doesn't normally 'dig' on swine, said the family had done the right thing by calling 000 to report a suspected gas leak.

GARY NEVILLE LAUGHS AT LIVERPOOL

Gary Neville has been laying the boot into Liverpool again. Neville,one half of the Chuckle Brothers, and hated in Liverpool as much as The Sun newspaper, doesn't miss a trick and knows how to get under the skin of Scousers, after years of tutilage from Sir Alex Ferguson.

Neville was part of the United side beaten on Wednesday at home to Besiktas, but the Premier League champions had already qualified, and the defender put United's disappointment into perspective yesterday when he compared it to the intense frustrations being felt at Anfield.

"Well, you get what you deserve as a team, don't you?" The former England international and ex child star actor said. Referring to the fact that Benitez's team would not be joining United in the knockout phase and would have to ply their trade in the Europa League.

Ex Grange Hill star (seen above playing Danny Kendall) and now a United veteran, Neville said "We are where we are because we deserve to be there. And it is the same with Liverpool. We went out of the competition ourselves after the group stage a few years back . Liverpool haven't performed well enough in the Champions League this season to get the results, as simple as that." Laughed Neville, before turning and walking out of the United gates as the bell went.

CHEESE

R.KELLY BELIEVES HE'S A STUD

Legendary singer R. Kelly who once believed that he could fly, and once stood in front of a Judge on several counts of Child Pornography is to release a new song where, and wait for it girls, he is threatening to plant his 'Magic seed'. Fans of Kelly will not be surprised at such lyrics as he once sang that he was going to 'take his key and put it in your ignition'. To say he has got designs on himself is an understatement.
After several failed attempts to resurrect his career including a 'Hip-Hopera', Kelly has found things tough. His fame was once on the up until the Court Case, which found him not guilty after a trial. Nevertheless, it still cost him a legion of fans, especially girls aged between 12 and 15, and he never appeared on Top Of The Pops again.

CAMELS SPIT FEATHERS

The Central Australian community of Docker River is under siege from 6000 feral camels, all of which are spitting feathers.

The Northern Territory Government has provided $49,000 to cull the beasts in an emergency response.

The local shire chief executive (and ex England manager) Graham Taylor, says water supplies have been damaged, underground sewers have been trampled and crushed, and the airport is virtually unusable. Do I not like that.
Frightened residents of Docker River have come home from work to find camels in their back yards,their garages, and sometimes even their front rooms.
Although camels are rumoured to like arrid conditions and store water in their humps, it's thought that because of such harsh outback conditions at the moment, they are as dry as a Nuns chuff. Hence the decision to congregate at Docker River.

BASS PLAYING SOBRIETY

Ex bass player with The Housemartins, Norman Cook, has told reporters that this years Galstonbury festival was the first one he had played his records to sober.

The alcoholic DJ claims he always felt the need to get slaughtered by necking a bottle and a half of vodka whenever he took to the stage.

The bass playing legend, 46, who's real name is Fatboy Slim said: "I've done my first wedding without alcohol, my first Glastonbury without alcohol, my first Ibiza without alcohol"
Although it's a strong possibility that he may do a few lines of coke and pop a couple of pills instead, before getting behind the wheels of steel.
Slim made a vow not to fall off the wagon, insisting "I can't ever have alcohol ever again for the rest of my life,not ever".
Slim is married to ex Jack Daniels drinking, gobby Radio 1 DJ and ladette, Zoe Ball.

GET YOUR CLOCK OUT

Horny couple get down to an afternoon shift in a City Centre clock tower

CLOCK TOWER ROOT

A mystery pair of Randy lovers, thought to be students, climbed on to the balcony of an historic clock tower before cavorting in full public view.

Christmas shoppers couldn't believe their mince pies as they watched the couple root one another in Sydney, Australia.

"They seemed to know they could be seen, but were totally unfazed." Said amazed onlooker Dayne 'Jarvo' Jarvis of Cabramatta, as he got stuck into a Longneck of Tooheys New.

Local schoolkids were understandably in the aisles when they saw the pair, but pensioner Reg Newton was less than impressed, "it's a bloody disgrace. The flamin' mongrels!" Said the Mad as a cut snake pensioner.

NEW FROM WELLER - '7&3 IS THE STRIKERS NAME'

PANDAS- BIGGER THAN BEN HUR

TWO giant pandas coming to the Adelaide Zoo will prove a bigger tourist attraction than cycling legend Lance Armstrong, Adelaide Zoo officials say.

Hardly a surprise when you consider that Pandas move at a Micro-second an hour and Lance Armstrong ride's like the wind. So the chances are that more people will see the Pandas. Unless Adelaide Zoo has plans to give Lance his own enclosure and shower him with Bamboo?

The arrival and 10-year stay of four-year-old Wang Wang (real name) and three-year-old Funi would also be bigger for the city than the Formula One Grand Prix in the 1980s and 90s and the Clipsal 500 V8 race, according to Zoos SA president Heather Caddick. Who knows absolutely fuck all about Motor Racing.

But Ms Caddick said the worldwide interest in two bears that were likely to spend most of their days either eating or sleeping was easy to explain.

"Pandas really are the world's most recognised and loved endangered animal," she said on Wednesday. Angering fans of the Ocelot (seen prowling, Right) Mediterranean Monk Seal and Dugong.

"If you watch them you can see why, they're natural comics. You could really spend hours just watching them."
 The same was said about Tommy Cannon and Bobby Ball (left) being 'Natural Comics' until everyone realised they were crap. And you certainly couldn't spend hours watching them.

WIGAN PLAYERS TO RE-PAY FANS

Wigan's players are to personally refund Latics fans who bought tickets at the DW Stadium for the 9-1 hammering at Tottenham on Sunday.

Wigan took a large following to White Hart Lane for the defeat, the second heaviest in Premier League history. Fans who travelled down to the Old Smoke like these travel club members (pictured right) are in line for a complete refund.

"We feel that as a group of players we badly let down our supporters yesterday," said Wigan captain Mario Melchiot via the official club website.

"There is not a lot else to say, just that as a group of professionals we were embarrassed by the way we performed, we feel it was below our standards and this refund is something we feel we owe to the fans," admitted Melchiot (left). 
When asked about the statement, Eddie Cuthbertson of the Wigan Athletic Supporters Club said " Not as bloody embarrassed as the fans are, I can tell thee. When the 9th goal went in I felt like crying, really bloody crying. I couldn't even eat the Barm cakes Our Margaret made for the trip home. So they should bloody refund us, every bloody Penny , and then some. I've got to work in foundry tomorrow and take a bloody great load of shit from folk. So yeah, they should give us money back".

NOEL GALLAGHER RUMOURED TO STAR IN CORONATION STREET

THE BRAINS BEHIND NOW DEFUNCT BAND OASIS, NOEL GALLAGHER, IS RUMOURED TO BE SET TO APPEAR IN AN EPISODE OF LONG RUNNING GRITTY NORTHERN DRAMA CORONATION STREET, AS PART OF NEXT YEARS 50TH ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATIONS.  GALLAGHER (right) IS A LIFE LONG FAN OF THE SHOW AND IS SAID TO BE DELIGHTED ABOUT APPEARING SAYING "FUCKING RIGHT, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THAT'LL BE FUCKING MEGA THAT" BEFORE GOING ON TO SAY "THAT SORT OF SHIT BENDS MY FUCKING HEAD MAN".

VIDEO: Roo attacks man, tries to drown dog

VIDEO: Roo attacks man, tries to drown dog

ITALIAN SERIE C TEAM PRESIDENT INVESTIGATED

Italian media are reporting that police have arrested the president of the third-division club Potenza and eight other people on charges of sports fraud, illegal betting or links with organised crime. Police and fans alike are in total shock, as this sort of thing has never happened in Italy before.

Investigators are reportedly examining a game in the Italian second-division from the 2007-08 season and seven matches in the third division for any evidence of corruption. As well as heading a thorough search for ex Coach Enzo Bianchi, who went missing after the 3-0 home defeat to Cremonese, feared whacked.

Up to 20 people are being investigated under the operation, led by Potenza anti-Mafia prosecutor Francesco Basentini.

Giuseppe Postiglione became the youngest club leader in Italy when he was named president of Potenza in 2006 at the age of 24, having just been 'made' by Mafia Boss Don Estelle, very well known in Cosa Nostra circles as ' The Inch High Don'.

AGASSI ADMITS TO DONNING A SYRUP

Tennis legend Andre Agassi has admitted he wore a blond mullet wig during the 1990s because he didn't want people to know he was going bald.
Scared and desperate, Agassi went to extreme lengths to cover up his balding cranium.

The grand slam winner wore a toupee for much of his early career, successfully deceiving the audience into believing the long, flowing locks were his. Unfortunately for Agassi, he started losing his hair in the late 80's and therefore had to settle for the David Lee Roth from Van Halen wig range, to cover his embarrassment.

Agassi discusses in his upcoming book how distressed he felt to be going bald: "Every morning I would find another piece of my identity on the pillow, in the wash basin, down the plughole."
Similar things are believed to happen to men worldwide when losing precious locks.
Unaware that sometimes these things happen in life, Agassi decided on drastic action due to the fact that he was shitting himself because of what people might think. Up until the late 80's nobody in the world had ever seen a bald man. Let alone a Grand Slam Winning bald as a coot man. So, Agassi decided on wearing a 'Syrup of Fig' in a bid to save face.

"I asked myself: you want to wear a toupee? On the tennis court? I answered myself: what else could I do?" he writes. Not realising that he could of accepted the fact and moved on. (Agassi is seen right, before the 1990 French Final)

The deception came to a head in the 1990 French Open final, when his toupee fell apart the night before the match, forcing him to play with the wig clamped down with hair clips. Literally crapping his pants with fear that the 'syrup' might fall off in front of thousands in the court and millions Worldwide, Agassi moved around the court and played as if someone had shoved a Marrow up his anus.

"During the warm-up before play, I prayed," he wrote. "Not for victory, but that my hairpiece would not fall off."

Agassi would go on to lose the match to Ecuadoran Andres Gomez.

He decided to ditch the toupee and shave his head at the insistence of his then-wife Brooke Shields in the late '90s. The penny dropped when she told him one night whilst smoking a Crack Pipe, that he looked like a Twat.
(Agassi, left, as he is today)

MAN V's SHARK

A man who was bitten by a shark south of Adelaide at the weekend says the shark released him when he punched it repeatedly in the mouth.

Dean Brougham (above), 25,and as hard as you like is recovering in hospital from arm and leg injuries. He has had an operation on his hand and he is awaiting surgery on his leg.

He told reporters from his hospital bed he had been spear fishing in the water at Second Valley for just seven minutes when the shark attacked.

He thinks it may have been a white pointer. Or maybe a bronze whaler. Maybe even a bull shark, definitely not a hammerhead, but it could of been a tiger shark.

"I came up, as soon as I got to the surface I felt someone, something pulling my leg and I thought it was just someone being a smart arse, and I turned around and just saw the big face looking at me," he said.

"It was unimaginable, just freaky, just seeing this big monster's head just looking at you."

Mr Brougham said the shark fled when he punched it in the mouth.

"I just started beating it, just trying to get rid of it, and then it let me go and then I was just straight towards the cliffs," he said.

"I can't believe first of all I got attacked by a shark, I can't believe second of all that I got out of the water, and I can't believe that third of all I've still got everything attached."

COLIN GRIGSON (shacking up with Punks)

ANGRY KOALA KICKS THE SHITZU OUT OF MUTT

A LARGE and apparently vicious koala has attacked a small dog in the yard of an Aberfoyle Park home.

Oakridge Rd resident Norm Malley said his small Shitzu-cross was out in his yard early this morning when it was bailed up by a large male koala. (left, cooling down after the brawl)

"I heard barking and hissing outside, originally I thought it was the trouble and strife, but when I went out there was a really big koala bailing up the dog,"(below) he said.

Neither animal was willing to give any ground during the tense stand-off, which Mr Malley likened to "prize fighters in the ring". Although neither Koala or Dog had gloves on, no corner-men and it's believed that they were not wearing gum shields.

"I knew who was going to win and I wasn't really worried about the koala," he said.

"It was about four times the size of my little dog."

The stand-off ended when Mr Malley was able to grab his dog, which was bailed up against the fence, and the koala escaped up a tree, where it's thought they live.

A Department of Environment and Heritage spokeswoman Emily Holyoak  said koalas were rarely aggressive.

"Usually koalas just defend themselves, unless they get extremely pissed off with yapping little lap dogs, in which case they have been known to leave the tree and beat the shit out of them". Said Emily.

RUDDY GUM CHEWER FANCIES BRAZIL

Never one to try and stir things up, play mind games or get under people's skin,
Sir Alex Ferguson (above) has said he does not believe England will win the World Cup next summer, even though nine members of his squad are aiming to be in Fabio Capello's line-up for the finals.

The Scot is instead tipping Brazil to win the trophy for the sixth time. "I can't see past Brazil, actually," Ferguson was quoted as saying to reporters as he cracked a bottle of Glenfiddich. "They are going to be the ones in South Africa. They are going to be hard to beat. You just have to think of the players they can bring in – they are a supplier of great players.

"Last season, there were 103 Brazilians in the Champions League and only 15 Englishmen. More Scots played in the Champions League last season than English players. I thought the 11/10 on Brazil to beat England was the bet of the century." He said as he collected his winnings.

Wayne Rooney, Rio Ferdinand, Michael Carrick, Wes Brown and Ben Foster are all likely to go to South Africa while Owen Hargreaves, Michael Owen, Gary Neville and Danny Welbeck are on the preipheries of the squad as Capello attempts to lead England to a World Cup victory abroad for the first time.

"The small number of English players in the Champions League is down to the way the Premier League has developed," Ferguson said. "The eternal question is at what point the Premier League is going to have to feature more English players.
Finishing off with a side-swipe at arch Enemy Rafael Benitez (right), and always willing to have a go at anything to do with the Anfield club, the fiery Scot poured another Whiskey, dipped his Deep Fried Battered Mars Bar into it, and said....

"We are not too bad at this club in terms of young players coming through but Liverpool would struggle."

V FOR VICTORY

Big news on the Music front this week. Mop Top legends and last remaining Beatles, Sir Paul of McCartney and Richard Starkey A.K.A Ringo Starr, are to re-unite for Ringo's new Album "Y Not", which Ringo explained is a tribute to ex BBC Film Reviewer Barry Norman. The Album is apparently Ringo's 15th studio effort, though to be honest I am struggling to recall any of his previous 14. 
The recording sessions are said to have gone extremely well even though the pair have had a long running dispute as to who delivers the best "V For Victory" hand signal.
Ringo went on to tell how the pair got together to record again.........
"Paul was doing the Grammys, so he came over to the house and was playing bass on [new song] Peace Dream," Starr explained. "I played him this other track and Paul said, 'Give me the headphones. Give me a pair of cans'. And he went to the mic and he just invented that part where he follows on my vocal. That was all Paul McCartney, and there could be nothing better."
McCartney who never dies his hair, is over the moon about the reunion, saying, "you know,it's great to be back recording with Ringo, you know, we've been mates since we were kids in Liverpool, you know, it's just great".

ABORIGINAL HIP HOP

ADELAIDE WEATHER WATCH

AS THE GOOD FOLK OF CUMBRIA HAVE BEEN NEARLY WASHED AWAY & EVACUATED BY HELICOPTER, HERE IN ADELAIDE IT'S BEEN A MUCH DIFFERENT STORY. AFTER NEARLY 2 WEEKS OF MID 30 BAROMETER ACTION THE MERCURY TOPPED THE SCALES ON THURSDAY AT A MASSIVE 43 DEGREES, WHICH FOR THOSE OF YOU OUT THERE IN FAHRENHEIT LAND IS 109.4.
CATASTROPHIC FIRE ALERTS WERE PUT IN PLACE, SHARKS WERE COMING IN CLOSE TO SHORE, RED BELLIED BLACK SNAKES WERE TAKING DIPS IN PEOPLES SWIMMING POOLS, PUBS WERE DOING A GREAT TRADE,PEOPLE WERE FEINTING IN THE STREET & DROWNING IN RIVERS, AND VIRTUALLY EVERYBODY ADOPTED A SCUFF WHEN WALKING. THANKFULLY FOR ME, I AM A PROUD OWNER OF A HAT AM WELL VERSED ON ALL THINGS RAY MEARS, SO I BUILT A SHELTER OUT OF EMPTY BEER CANS, DONNED MY HAT & DRANK AS MUCH LIQUID AS POSSIBLE. ONLY LEAVING THE SHELTER FOR A  PAT CASH, A DOGS EYE & MORE TOOHEYS LONG NECKS. MR. MEARS WOULD OF BEEN PROUD.
AS I WRITE THIS TODAY THE TEMPERATURE HAS DROPPED TO A COMFORTABLE 23 DEGREES WITH A NICE OFFSHORE NOR WESTER COMING IN OFF OF GULF ST VINCENT. AND THIS MEANS I DON'T HAVE TO VISIT THE BOTTLE SHOP/PUB TOO EARLY IN THE DAY AND I WON'T BE WAVING MY ARMS AT FLIES LIKE A PUMPED UP WEST INDIES TAIL-ENDER.                    
NOR WILL I REVERT BACK TO THE HOME BOY SCUFF, WHICH TO BE HONEST, MADE ME LOOK LIKE MY ARSE HAIRS HAD BEEN TIED TOGETHER.

MAP OF ADELAIDE/SOUTH AUSTRALIA

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MOSS SPILLS HER GUTS

SUPER MODEL TURNED EASTEND MARKET TRADER, KATE MOSS (above) HAS INFURIATED ANOREXIA SUFFERERS WORLDWIDE BY COMMENTS MADE IN A MAGAZINE INTERVIEW. MOSS WHO MAKES A PACKET AND IS REGULARLY SEEN OUT PARTYING WHILST HER DAUGHTER STAYS AT HOME WITH A 'NANNY', SAID THAT TO STOP HERSELF FROM EATING SHE USES THE SLOGAN "NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS SKINNY FEELS". A SLOGAN USED BY ANOREXICS. UNDERSTANDABLY, ANOREXIC CAMPAIGNERS ARE NOT HAPPY WITH MOSS, SAYING THE COMMENTS WERE NOT ONLY "DANGEROUS", BUT ALSO "VERY UNHELPFUL".

MOSS'S EX PETE DOHERTY (left) DID'NT WANT TO COMMENT,"THAT BITCH LEFT ME A LONG TIME AGO" HE SAID, BEFORE RETREATING BACK INTO HIS SKIP,JACKING UP AND CONVINCING HIMSELF THAT HE REALLY IS 'THE PEOPLES POET'.

CELEBRITIES HAVE BEEN THROWING THEIR 5 EGGS INTO THE DEBATE INCLUDING VANESSA FELTZ WHO THREW IN A DOZEN THAT SHE WAS SAVING FOR A RAINY DAY.

FELTZ, SEEN HERE (below right) WITH PETER CROUCH (who ISN'T an anorexic, just very lanky, but for a big man has a great touch) BEWILDERED REPORTERS BY SAYING THAT SHE HAS ALSO BEEN CHANTING THE SAME SLOGAN AS MOSS FOR YEARS.

ROGER MELLIE-BRUCE FIVESYTHE-JIMMY TARBRUSH

FOR THE LOVE OF THE 'BOGAN'.....

ACROSSSECTIONOFANTIPODEANFASHIONISTAS

EPILEPTIC DOG SONG

REDNECKS RUIN STUDENT PROM

IDAHO STATE HIGH STUDENTS WERE INVOLVED IN A NASTY SHIT ATTACK ON FRIDAY.

UNINVITED LOCAL REDNECKS WENT ON THE RAMPAGE WITH CANS OF 'SHIT-MIST' AND VICIOUSLY SPRAYED STAR QUARTER BACK CHIP DIAMANTE & HIS FRIENDS IN WHAT THE CHIEF OF POLICE, COMMANDANT CHUCK MORANTZ CALLED A 'JEALOUS,FRENZIED, PRE-MEDITATED ALL OUT SHIT ASSAULT'. ALTHOUGH VISIBLY STAINED FROM THEIR ORDEAL,

CHIP & FRIENDS CARRIED ON AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED AND COULD BE SEEN 'WHOOPING & HOLLERING' , 'GETTING DOWN' WITH THE LADIES & DRINKING

FROM A KEG LONG INTO THE NIGHT.

GOALKEEPER RIDES WORLDS SMALLEST POGO STICK

OH GOD BLIMEY WELLER

FIERY KEANE SLAMS F.A.I

FURIOUS IPSWICH MANAGER AND EX IRELAND CAPTAIN ROY KEANE (left) HAS LAYED INTO THE IRISH F.A.(below) FOR THEIR ATTEMPT TO REPLAY THE CONTROVERSIAL MATCH AGAINST FRANCE WHICH SAW THEM KNOCKED OUT OF THE WORLD CUP BY THIERRY HENRY'S SKILLS WITH HIS HAND (A HAND SO SUPPLE AND SOFT THAT HE OFTEN USES IT TO TICKLE TROUT OUT OF RIVERS WITH).
KEANE,HARD AS NAILS AND AS MAD AS A CLOWNS COCK,BROUGHT UP THE FACT THE IRISH HAD TWO GAMES AND ENOUGH CHANCES TO BEAT THE FRENCH AND THAT THEY SHOULD 'GET OVER IT AND STOP CRYING'. " I'D BE ASKING WHERE MY KEEPER WAS & WHY THE DEFENDERS ALLOWED THE BALL TO BOUNCE IN THE 6 YARD BOX!", SCREAMED ROY, BEFORE LEAPING OVER HIS DESK AND KICKING THE BEJESUS OUT OF A REPORTER FOR LEAVING HIS PHONE ON.

BUENO NOT BONO

ELTON PUTS HIS CANDLE IN THE RING

"....DAT'S GOTTA HURT....."

ANGRY AUSSIE

VA VA VOOM

FRENCH CAPTAIN, ALL ROUND GOOD GUY & WINNER OF THE FAIR PLAY AWARD FOR 2009 THIERRY HENRY DEMONSTRATES HIS SKILLS BY SETTING UP WILLIAM GALLAS FOR A LAST GASP EQUALIZER AGAINST REPUBLIC OF IRELAND.