TOOTHPICK RONNIE THROWN IN THE SLAMMER

Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood (right) was arrested last night on suspicion of assault after a domestic incident in a Surrey village.

A Police spokesman said: "We can confirm that a 62-year-old undernourished man from Esher was arrested last night, on suspicion of assault in connection with a domestic incident in Claygate high street (of all places)
Wood, who hasn't eaten food in 3 years and lives on a strict diet of Virginia tobacco and Vodka, was released from the cells after a cooling down period and will appear before Magistrates in January.

It understood the incident involved Wood's on-off girlfriend, Ekaterina Ivanova, 20, after she jibed him that she'd "seen more meat on a Sparrow's kneecap".

It's not uncommon for members of The Rolling Stones to go out with young bits of skirt. In the 80's, bass player Bill Wyman married nubile Mandy Smith, 16, after a 2 year romance.
After leaving Wyman, Smith went on to marry ex Everton and Spurs full back, Pat Van Den Hauwe.
Wyman went on to make metal detectors (left)

AAAAAH PIGSY

ANCELOTTI LIKES ELTON

Carlo Ancelotti, the Chelsea manager, raised an eyebrow (right) this week after learning that his side have been drawn to play Watford in the F.A. Cup.

Apparently, Ancelotti is a big fan of the Uphill Gardening lover of spunk, Sir Elton John. (left)

John, who once married a woman and was bald, but is now a gay with a full head of hair, used to be the Chairman of Watford and could often be found in the Directors 'Box' at matches wearing a straw hat and star shaped glasses.

“I do not know Watford very well at the moment but I will have the opportunity to learn about them,” said Ancelotti.

“The owner of Watford many years ago was Elton John. Elton John is my favourite singer", he said, hoping to meet the Crocodile Rocking pillow biter in the Vicarage Road tunnel.

CHISEL TO REFORM?

Not to miss out on the current trend of bands reforming, Veteran Australian Rock Legends, Cold Chisel, are on the brink of recording new material.
After a successful warm up gig at The Flying Horses in Port Augusta last weekend, for the upcoming V8 Supercars Gig in Sydney, lead singer Jimmy Barnes 102, left, (a Scotsman) was thrilled to be back on stage with the rest of the Chisel gang And though he wouldn't say for sure that they will reunite, he didn't rule it out either by saying "don't rule it out".
Chisel fans all around Australia, and Boyatt Wood, are said to be delighted.
(Angry Anderson and Rose Tattoo are also considering a comeback tour).

AMERICAN FUZZ

THICK as fuck, donut eating, lard arse, gun toting, Florida Cops have just released a statement saying that the crash involving Tiger Woods and a fire hydrant on Tigers very own drive, in his very own car, which he was driving at the time all on his own, with nobody else around, was his fault after all.


The highly intelligent Cops took just 5 days to come to this decision. (see earlier report on the crash)
Many people are led to believe that Cops in the Yoo Ess Of A, are a bit thick. But solving this crime within a week has proved otherwise. The fuzz in America recently came under scrutiny for believing that a 6 year old boy was attached to a balloon that was flying up, up and away and far, far away.
But they cracked that case too, also within a week, when they discovered the boy hiding in a loft.

PETE DOHERTY = EIN DEADSET TWAT

Scanky, smelly, flea ridden, zit infested, junkie soap dodger, Pete Doherty (above) Got away lightly after pissing off a raum voll der Deutscher (room full of Germans) recently.

The trilby wearing dung beetle was dragged off stage at a festival in Germany (Deutschland) at the weekend, after he began singing the controversial first stanza of Das Deutschlandlied, also known as The Song of Germany. The opening verse, beginning with the words "Deutschland über alles", is often considered a Nazi anthem. And went down like Bobby Crush auf einer alplattform (Bobby Crush on an oil rig) With the locals  (right).

The Babyshambles frontman and peoples poet was performing at Munich's on3 festival. Doherty was not originally scheduled to perform, according to Der Spiegel (The Mirror), but although "clearly drunk" (offenbar getrunken) was able to talk his way on stage. "With a quiet voice, he sang 'Deutschland, Deutschland über alles' (Germany over all) four times," according to Rudi Kuffner das festival spokesman.

Festival goers Grit and Stefan, of Bonn, claimed Doherty had been drinking 'far too much wine'. Grit said he wasn't singing but 'wailing like a baby' and was an absolute disgrace (ein absolute Schande).

U2 TO PLAY GLASTONBURY, SO THEY ARE.

Four foot two Irish Minstrel Bono (left) has said of U2  "we are delighted and humbled, so we are" to be headlining at next year's Glastonbury Festival over its 40th anniversary weekend.

The band will lead the line-up at the Somerset show on Friday 25 June. Providing Pope Bono has managed to save the World by then.

"To be sure, everyone in the band is very excited about it." Bono told the BBC at the launch of an anti-Aids/HIV campaign.

It will be U2's first festival gig for more than 25 years and will see them make a flying visit to the UK in the middle of a North American tour. Much like Phil Collins did for Band Aid.

Asked if he would use the festival to promote the campaign, Bono told yer man, "I tink it will just be about the music on that day, and that spirit that seems to take over everybody in that sacred ground."

Beany hat wearing lead guitarist The Edge (right) is also in the mood for Glastonbury, saying; " yer know, it's just great so it is. It's been far too long between festivals for us and I want plenty of it from now".