LIBRARY SMELLS OF PISS

A traditional red phone box has been recycled into one of the UK's smallest lending libraries - stocking 100 books.

Villagers from Westbury-sub-Mendip in Somerset can use the library around the clock, selecting books, DVDs and CDs.

Users simply stock it with a book they have read, swapping it for one they have not. Or have a good slash in it on the way home from the boozer (like Welsh crooner Tom Jones, left, after pissing like a racehorse in it)

"It's really taken off. The books are constantly changing, If only we could get rid of the smell." said parish councillor Bob Dolby, not realising it's also used by locals gagging for a piss as they weave their way back from the Westbury Inn.

He added: "It is completely full at the moment with books (and piss). Anyone is free to come and take a book (or have a piss) and leave one that you have already read (or pissed over)".

"This facility has turned a piece of street furniture into a community service in constant use."

TOXIC SHITE

SHIT as you like, Lip synching, Red-neck marrying, overrated tart, Britney Spears (right with ex husband K-Fed), has finished her Australian leg of the 'Circus Tour', and say's she won't be back.
The publicity seeking whore mimed her way through her final show in Adelaide last night and after the bad press she has received here it's no surprise she has had enough.
Perhaps, and call me old fashioned, if she learnt to sing instead of fobbing off her gullable fans by miming, and by all acounts, miming so badly it was a bit like Roger De Courcy and Nooky Bear after a skin full, she might of got better press.
The appropriately named 'Circus Tour' also showed up the fact that she can't dance. Rumour has it that Daniel Day Lewis was a better mover in 'My Left Foot'. She tried to disguise the fact that she was shit by the huge production of the show, which featured clowns and, if this is possible, legless trampolinists. As well as more costume changes than songs.
Fans are said to be 'livid' and feeling 'ripped off'.
Quelle suprise.

POMPEY BOSS IS LIKE YODA

David 'Calamity' James  (right) has been bigging up new Portsmouth boss Avram Grant, by comparing the dull as dishwater boss to Star Wars character Yoda. (above telling his team to play 3 up front)
The flappy keeper said that Grant spoke alot of sense. "His pearls of wisdom are far reaching, he's very profound and that appeals to me". Before adding "I'm sure he can get us out of trouble, he's just what he club needs right now".
James' nice words about his new Sage like boss came only a few days after he had said about previous boss Paul Hart "He'll get us out of trouble and all the lads are 110% behind him".
Wormwood Scrubs bound Portsmouth director Peter Storrie, who let the most skint Arab in all of Arabia  buy the club, has claimed that their transfer embargo will be lifted in January, giving Grant funds to spend on new players, even though Portsmouth are currently languishing at the bottom of the Premiership without 2 pennies to rub together.

WOODS CLUBBED BY BIRDY

Thick as fuck cops are yet to interview Tiger Woods (above) over a bizarre car crash just outside his Florida terraced house that left the world's greatest golfer unconscious and sparked claims it was caused by a domestic spat over allegations he was having an affair.

Somehow, Woods, who's real name is Eldrick, managed to crash his SUV into a fire hydrant whilst reversing at the blistering pace of at least 15 MPH.

The golfing great's fit as you like wife, Erin Nordegren (right), said she rescued her husband from the wreckage using a golf club to smash the car window, but other reports emerging out of the US claimed she had used the club on her husband during their late-night row. It's not known which club she used, although neighbours speaking outside the couples tiny 34 up 34 down des res say it looked like a 'sand iron'.

The fight that apparently led to the crash was reportedly sparked by tabloid reports that Woods cheated on his wife by playing a quick round with a nightclub hostess in Melbourne during the recent Australian Masters. A tournament which Woods won, causing Channel 9 host Eddie McGuire to have a hard-on of epic proportions for the rest of the week and a story to dine out on for years to come.

GAS LEAK

A massive pig with flatulence like Vanessa Feltz after Christmas Dinner, triggered a minor emergency near Bendigo (Victoria) this week when smells wafting from the 120kg porker sparked fears of a potentially dangerous gas leak.

Two Country Fire Authority tankers and 15 firefighters turned out in darkness to search the source of the leak at a property at Axedale, east of Bendigo. But the likely culprit was soon sniffed out, the pet sow startled from slumber in the dead of night.

"She got very excited when two trucks and 15 firies turned up and she squealed and farted and squealed and farted," said fire chief Peter Harkins, pissing himself and holding his nose at the same time.

"I haven't heard too many pigs fart but I would describe these ones as full-on."

Mr Harkins, who doesn't normally 'dig' on swine, said the family had done the right thing by calling 000 to report a suspected gas leak.

GARY NEVILLE LAUGHS AT LIVERPOOL

Gary Neville has been laying the boot into Liverpool again. Neville,one half of the Chuckle Brothers, and hated in Liverpool as much as The Sun newspaper, doesn't miss a trick and knows how to get under the skin of Scousers, after years of tutilage from Sir Alex Ferguson.

Neville was part of the United side beaten on Wednesday at home to Besiktas, but the Premier League champions had already qualified, and the defender put United's disappointment into perspective yesterday when he compared it to the intense frustrations being felt at Anfield.

"Well, you get what you deserve as a team, don't you?" The former England international and ex child star actor said. Referring to the fact that Benitez's team would not be joining United in the knockout phase and would have to ply their trade in the Europa League.

Ex Grange Hill star (seen above playing Danny Kendall) and now a United veteran, Neville said "We are where we are because we deserve to be there. And it is the same with Liverpool. We went out of the competition ourselves after the group stage a few years back . Liverpool haven't performed well enough in the Champions League this season to get the results, as simple as that." Laughed Neville, before turning and walking out of the United gates as the bell went.

CHEESE