ARSE BANDIT HATES OLYMPICS

Anal Intruder, Rupert Everett, says if he had the power, he would '"cancel" the London Olympics in 2012.

Everett, 50, and gayer than the Volleyball scene in Top Gun, told the BBC he thought the event would turn into "a very expensive disaster" for the capital.

Everett is currently starring in the new St Trinian's film, The Legend Of Fritton's Gold, which is more than likely just as shit as every single St Trinian's film ever made.

"If I was King, I would cancel the Olympics tomorrow,"  said the Queen.

"I don't like the Olympics anyway," he added, "I don't think they're very sporting and I think London is already dysfunctional enough as it is." He said as he sipped on a Perfect Manhattan through a Gimp mask in a SOHO nightclub.

COPPERS LOVE SPUDS TWISTED AND SPLIT

SOMEHOW A WOMAN who twisted a police officer's love spuds after wiping a PISS-soaked dress on him has escaped a jail term.

Full on Bogan, Carol Suzanne Staltari was arrested by police after becoming aggressive while trying to remove her mother and brother from an Adelaide nursing home in contravention of an order by the Guardianship Board in May 2007.

Staltari, 58, refused to get into a police car, pissed like racehorse over her clothes and then rubbed her soaked dress into a Senior Constable's face.

When the same police officer tried to keep her pinned to the ground Staltari (right), grabbed his gonads and twisted them so hard with her vice like grip that they split like an old Size 5 Mitre football that had been left outside for the winter. Her Lawyers say she normally likes to chew instead of twist.

The Constable was in so much pain when he arrived at Hospital he needed a healthy shot of morphine to ease the agony, and after several hours of sewing by Doctors his nuts were saved. Two years later he is still walking like John Wayne after a week in the saddle and his legs are even further apart than Paris Hiltons.

FLAMIN GALAH CAUGHT GROUTING

AN AWARD winning actor has been charged with possessing cocaine after police raided the Christmas party of popular soap Home and Away.

Todd Lasance, who plays the troubled widower Aden Jefferies on the Seven show, was allegedly caught in the toilets of Kings Cross hot-spot Kit and Kaboodle on Saturday doing a bit of grouting.

The 24-year-old was arrested as part of Operation Unite, the blitz on drunken violence and anti-social behaviour in which 640 people were charged in New South Wales. Another example of Government Stormtroopers doing their bit in return for a healthy commission.

The teen heart-throb award winner is the latest cast member to fall from grace. He follows Donald Fisher who was caught smoking crack and Alf Stewart  (right) who was arrested for constant use of the word Flamin'..... (Flamin' mongrels, stone the Flamin' crows, Flamin' heck and Flamin' Galah').

Ex Home and Away stars include Heath Ledger, Naomi Watts, Danii Minogue and Michael Palin.

DEDICATIONS WHAT YOU NEED

A TOWER of poppadoms built in Southampton has been officially recognised as the tallest ever.Conservative parliamentary candidates Royston Smith and Jeremy Moulton with fuck all else to do with Tax Payers money, joined forces with Steve Fry and Rashmi Chande from Southampton and Fareham Chamber Of Commerce to take on the challenge at Poppadom Express in Oxford Street after a day on the sauce.They stacked 450 poppadoms, smashing the previous world record of 282 set by Jali Restaurant in Blackpool, last year. The record has now been ratified by the organisers of National Curry Week who ran the competition. Roy Castle and Norris McGuerter would of been proud. Vim Fuego, Colin Grigson, Spider Webb and Den Dennis of Heavy Rock outfit Bad News once had 4 poppadoms with 100 pints of lager.   

COWELL CRAPPING HIS HIGH WAISTED PANTS

Simon Cowell has branded a Facebook campaign to get rock band Rage Against The Machine to Christmas number 1 as "cynical" and "stupid".

The online group, now with over half a million members, begun by music fan Jon Morter and his wife Tracy, urges its supporters to buy Killing In The Name instead of the forthcoming single from the winners of this year's X Factor series.

Speaking to NME Morter said: "We've nothing personal against Cowell at all, we just do not want yet another Christmas chart-topper from that show again."

However, speaking at a press conference today Cowell, who is the bastard love child of Pete Waterman, retorted saying: "It's quite a cynical campaign geared at me which is actually going to spoil the party for these three X Factor finalists."

Cowell ,who wears his trousers up around his naval, and whose own record label Syco will release the X Factor winners yet to be confirmed Christmas single added: "I also think it's incredibly dismissive of the people who watch and enjoy the show where they treat our audience as if they're stupid and I don't like that". Without realising they are fucking stupid.

CLICK PLAY TO FIND OUT THAT THE PRESSURE'S LIKE NICE.

"I think the campaign is aimed directly at me, it's stupid. Me having a number 1 record at Christmas time is not going to change my life particularly". Though by mentioning that he is clearly crapping his extremely high waist band Chino Jeans.

"It does, however, change these guys' lives. We put this opportunity there so the winner of the X Factor gets the chance of having a big hit record."

Oh well, perhaps if they toured the country in a Ford Transit Van playing pubs and clubs, wrote their own material, carried their own equipment that they actually could play, lived off of Pot Noodles and got paid £20 a show for the pleasure, then they might deserve a break and a shot at the big time instead of the instant success and millionaire status that comes with winning X Factor.

A good example of doing what you can to get by is platform shoe wearing Brummie, Noddy Holder of Slade, who did have a Christmas Number 1, but was once so skint in the early days of Slade, that he got paid to Curl out a Christmas Number 2 Black Forest Gateau on a glass coffee table by a perverted German who was laying underneath watching and stroking his Lederhosen at the same time.

These X Factor kids have got it easy, and what they Curl out is a whole lot worse than Noddy ever did.

SHIT PRESENTERS AND SHIT NICKNAMES

A COUPLE OF REASONS WHY AUSTRALIAN SPORTS PRESENTERS ARE SHIT.....
AFTER MANCHESTER UNITED LOST 1 NIL TO ASTON VILLA, CHANNEL 9 PRESENTER TROY GRAY SAID IT WAS A GREAT WIN FOR THE 'VIL-AY-ANS'.
MAYBE HE THOUGHT THEY WERE A TRIBE FROM THE PACIFIC ISLANDS..?
I'M SURE THE PRONUNCIATION HE WAS LOOKING FOR WAS 'VILLAINS'.

TROY THEN WENT ON TO SAY THAT THE WONDER GOAL SCORED BY WIGANS MAYNOR FIGUEROA AGAINST STOKE IN THE 2-2 DRAW TURNED OUT TO BE POINTLESS AS WIGAN WENT ON TO LOSE THE GAME. EVEN THOUGH THEY DREW 2 ALL. GOD HELP US.

MAYBE I'M BEING A BIT HARSH ON TROY? BUT THEN AGAIN HE IS CALLED TROY, SO MAYBE NOT. I SUPPOSE I SHOULD GET USED TO THE FACT THAT THIS IS NOT A FOOTBALL NATION. AFTER ALL, THE NATIONAL SIDE ARE REFERRED TO AS SOCCEROOS, THE GAYEST NICKNAME FOR A NATIONAL FOOTBALL SIDE EVER.
I GUESS NOBODY EVER THOUGHT OF CALLING THEM AUSTRALIA?
WHILST WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT OF RIDICULOUS NICKNAMES FOR NATIONAL TEAMS, HERE IS THE COMPLETE LIST FOR ALL THINGS AUSSIE ......
EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE NOT ON THE LIST BELOW , A SPECIAL MENTION MUST GO TO THE NEW ZEALANDERS FOR NAMING THEIR BASKETBALL SIDE 'THE TALL BLACKS!"

sport	team	nickname
Rugby union	test side	the Wallabies
Rugby league	test side	the Kangaroos
Wheelchair rugby	Paralympic	the Wheelabies
Football (soccer)	Men's	the Socceroos
	Women's	the Matildas
	Olympic	the Olyroos
	Youth	the Joeys
Basketball	Men's	the Boomers
	Women's	the Opals
Wheelchair basketball	Men's	the Rollers
	Women's	the Gliders
Field hockey	Men's	the Kookaburras
	Women's	the Hockeyroos

WHEN NATURE CALLS

MAD AS A BOTTLE OF CHIPS GOALKEEPER, Jens Lehmann, has been told he was lucky to escape punishment after appearing to 'break the seal' behind his goal during Wednesday's 3–1 win over a team from Romania beginning with 'U'. The goalkeeper, who goes off his head at referees and now plays for Stuttgart, jumped over the advertising hoardings and looked as if he was relieving himself before being rudely interrupted by a Romanian counter-attack.

He is not the first sportsman or woman to attend to a call of nature during an event. Paula Radcliffe famously curled out a steaming turd during the London Marathon (right), putting commentator Brendan Foster off his Walnut Whip, and Steve Cram refusing to interview her, due to his sensitive nose.
Radcliffe went on to win the race with shit running down the back of her knee.

Yoo Ess of A player Da Marcus Beasley once had a Pat Cash next to the bench when waiting to come on against Mexico in World Cup 2002, Causing his Manager and professional Twat Bruce Arena to 'go off his frickin head', throw at least one cup of Gatorade and threaten to 'shove a cigar so far up Beasley's ass he'd have to light his nose to smoke it' (left).