LACK OF KIP

I was rudely awakened from my slumber this morning. Not by the dustmen, or the builders next door, but by Paul Weller calling from the middle of a gig, singing Strange Town down the line to me. A particular favourite, it has to be said. Especially the 'break it up, break it up!' part of the song. Not content with this, the old bastard rang again 30 minutes later to sing Start! Once again a particular favourite. This is not the first time it has happened, and I fear, probably not the last. It happened once before, a few years ago. There I was asleep in the Town Ace at a small place in the middle of the Desert called Uluru, AKA Pam Ayres Rock. The phone rang, which done my head in to begin with, and there was the Modfather on the other end singing about 'supping up his beer, collecting his fags and some sort of row down near Slough'. This is normally an entertaining way to start the day, and I know who the culprits are with phones in the air capturing the gig in all it's glory..... And I will retaliate. One day when they least expect it they will have John Farnham on line one singing 'Your the Voice try and understand it'.
Actually, come to think of it, Mick Jagger once called from Twickenham. Back in the days of Avon. If I recall correctly, my old comrade of many many years phone rang, and after a short while he passed it to me with the words "Huggy, Jagger wants a word!"
It has been two days on the trot I've been rudely awakened. Yesterday I got awoken by the fire alarms
going off at 5:45 AM, even before the Kookaburra's get up. These were set off by some divvy who'd
burned the toast. Thankfully the curtains were still intact, but my sleep was destroyed.

I struggle to go back to sleep on occasions like these, and with this in mind, I turn on the TV to watch annoying presenters and Weather people telling more stories about Tiger Woods and his various mistresses. Latest count eleven. And not one of them as good looking as his wife, but thats up to him. This mornings 'hot off the press' story regarding the wayward golfer was all about his Mother in law, who had flown in from Stockholm to give him a piece of her Swedish mind. Only to collapse after eating out and being taken by Ambulance to Hospital (right). And there I was, within minutes of this happening, watching it all unfurl from far,far away. Surely in a normal world, Tiger Woods Mother-in-law choking on a prawn would not be Newsworthy. But this is Australia, a country obsessed with America, and American TV where anything 'Celebrity' is considered Newsworthy. For years they've had to put up with the bow legged heiress Paris Hilton, who couldn't stop a pig in a passageway, polluting the lives of citizens with trivial shit. Recently the old slapper Britney Spears picked the winnets out of her arse, and it made the News. I couldn't tell you what was happening in Iraq or Afghanistan, and I wouldn't even know if we are at War at all. But I do know that Brad Pitt is copping it bad from Angelina because of her 'heavy' periods. Because of these sort of stories I used to avoid GMTV and all it's fake tanned presenters, like the plague. But at least I had the choice of changing channel to get my fill of proper News via the Beeb. But I can't here!
And so, the Tiger's Mother-in-law choking story has made world news, well Australian News anyway. Being as though it's America we're talking about, the Fuzz over there had already released the 911 call that was made and within an hour it was out there for all to hear, and giving annoying TV presenters something to talk about.  And by the sounds of things, as I realise I've just written a bloody essay on the matter, me as well. Fuck!
Tonight my phone will be off as I sleep. I just hope that Zane, Kane, or Dwayne don't go burning any toast.
If I do manage to sleep in, then all will not be lost. I will be able to catch up on all things Hollywood when I tune in to the Evening News.