MAD FOOTBALLERS, DODGY MIDDLE NAMES

FOOTBALL. It's a funny old game. Full of ego's, too much money, flash cars, agents, Page 3 models, thick as pig shit players. E.g: Anton Julian Ferdinand, brother of Rio Gavin and now playing at Sunderland, guaranteed to trot out of the tunnel doing his shorts up with a bottle of Lucozade in his mouth like a babies dummy. Check it out, it's true, he always does it. The wanker. But I'm not going to bang on about him. We all know he's a twat.
During the last few days in the world of English Football there has been a couple of dressing room bust ups that have made the papers. These will be happening all the time in Football, but we don't always hear about them. They will be locked in the inner sanctum of whichever club they happen at. Thankfully every now and then we do hear about them. Earlier this year Aston Villa Manager, Martin Hugh Michael O'Neill, and his player Nigel Shola Andre Reo Coker had a fight on the training pitch that resulted in a fine and suspension from the club for the player. Last weekend Stoke City pair, Manager Tony Pulis and striker James Beattie, had a punch up after a game at Arsenal because Pulis ordered the team in for extra training having already given the players time off to galavant around London, feat Stringfellows no doubt. Beattie took exception to this as it wasn't fair, and Marquess of Queensbury rules were applied. Then on Monday night after a defeat at Watford, QPR Manager Jim Magilton, who I once saw getting off with a tart at the bar at New York New York's in Southampton, headbutted one of his players in true Yosser Hughes fashion, and has since been suspended by QPR. So I thought I'd check out the archives and relive some incidents when players took on team-mates and managers took on their own players....
The first one to remember is Lawrie Barbican It's Great Man McMenemy v Mark Wright. These two had a tussle after a match at The Dell when Southampton played poorly and in particular, defender Mark Wright. McMenemy vented his anger at the skinny centre half and ended up fully clothed in the team bath after a full on slap fest from Wright. Thankfully Big Lawrie was wearing an inflatable trench coat at
the time which saved him from drowning.

On fire Welsh Number 9 Big John Hartson and Two foot Two Israeli Midfielder Eyal Berkovic. After a tussle on the West Ham training ground, Berkovic punched the Big man on the leg and Hartson promptly turned around and booted Berkovic in the head, knocking the Israeli's skull cap clean off and muttered the words Mazel Tov to the crestfallen midfielder. Neil Ruddock was on hand just in case.
Graham Pierre Le Saux and David Batty had a punch up with one another whilst playing for Blackburn Rovers away to Spartak Moscow. Le Saux who was thought to be a gay because he is an intelligent bloke who reads The Guardian, and Batty, the furrow browed Yorkshireman had to be separated by team-mates after several punches were thrown because of sloppy play.
Steve Macca McManaman and Bruce Grobbelaar came to blows when Grobbelaar grabbed McManaman by the throat for some shit defending in the Merseyside derby. McManaman retaliated with aplomb and it made for great viewing. Both players had shit hair do's at the time with Grobbelaar sporting a Slap and Rat's tail, and McManaman sporting exactly the same hair do as he does today.
Sir Alexander Chapman Ferguson kicked a football boot across the Old Trafford dressing room which hit David Robert Joseph Beckham, virtually signalling the end of Beckhams stay at United. It wasn't helped by the fact that Beckham, slicked his hair back so all the World could see the plaster above his eye, and walked with his head permanantly tilted to one side until the stitches came out.
Then there was the incident between ex Chimney Sweep Lee Bowyer and forever on the treatment table Kieron Courtney Dyer. Whilst playing for Newcastle against Aston Villa, the pair started fighting after a wayward pass, shirts were ripped, Villa players stepped in to quell things down and both were sent off. It's just a shame the Ref didn't let these pair of Herberts fight until the death, or at least until Kieron Courtney go injured.

Last but not least, even though there's loads of other cases, I bring you Mr Stanley Victor Collymore. The perverted dogging centre forward who during France 98 beat the shit out of saggy breasted Swedish weather girl and Mother of four kids by four different Fathers hence the nickname 4 x 4 Ulrika Jonssen, had a run in whilst at Leicester City with the best player ever to wear a Leicester City shirt, Trevor Junior Benjamin. I can't be sure what the fight was over, maybe the fact that Benjamin was crap? But apparently Collymore, who is as mad as a clowns cock, went off like a packet of prawns in the sun and didn't play many more times for Leicester again. Manager at the time and part time Norman Wisdom impersonator, Peter Taylor, went mental with the cheque book when he signed Benjamin for a whopping £1.3 million. Which doesn't sound much today, but when I reveal that when Benjamin finished his career, he had played for 24 different clubs, £1.3 million is an absolute fucking shit load for a journeyman striker who couldn't score in a brothel.
Peter Taylor is now a full time Norman Wisdom impersonator.